Easier Said Than Done: Building Bridges When the Conversation Gets Heated

We’ve all been there: a conflict-ridden situation suddenly finds us in confrontation where we feel angry and defensive. When frustrations run high, the words use with ourselves others can really hurt. Our lack of self-awareness inability to communicate effectively lead increased abuse pain. Alternatively, right skill set, make inroads that build bridges compassion, trust, connection even while feeling internally triggered. So what exactly is “right set”?Lashing Out or Leaning InI wasn’t very far into my first career as teacher before I was called out by one student front entire high school class for being “terrible teacher” who “didn’t know anything” care about her students.” lacked set back then experience comment anything other than devastating. Health workers regularly face similar criticisms from patients, families, colleagues. Such devastating experiences happen at beginning our careers, but just often throughout workplace interactions.In ongoing work psychologist consultant, I’ve come recognize there are three options available when fielding critical triggering message, be it student, patient, colleague.We turn on taking things personally agreeing criticism: “Yes, ... problem don’t I’m doing. new teacher, not cut this. smart enough do this job. should.” Judging blaming increases feelings guilt shame comes great cost own sense well-being resilience. believe someone else’s negative interpretation are, becomes increasingly difficult engage real agency lives, which distress depression.Alternatively, judge blame others. By responding defensiveness self-righteousness, point fault obviously found party. “You have no say me; bend over backwards around here get paid peanuts try teach you something, can’t bring pencil class.” quickest way caught power struggles destined more anger, misunderstanding, frustration.But third, most effective, option lean collective human experience, especially painful parts, connect other’s perceptions, feelings, needs. How possible? stay connected humanity, others, fraught dynamic?Often effective needs.Skill #1: Remember It’s Not PersonalIt common, middle tense dramatic confrontation, take personally. What didn’t understand teaching job practice compassion-based detachment. In order detachment, parts witness happening, instead defaulting part takes personally.Our inner witness-self helps remember difference between responsible people’s pain versus responsive their Although may another’s pain, distress, distress. Remembering only ever choices others’ easier relax emotions perceptions experiencing.Skill #2: Ask New QuestionA common initial reflex during conflict wonder went wrong rush find solution: “Who’s right?” wrong?” “What should next?” These typical questions riddled emotion. Unfortunately, these ignore subtle nuance complicated dynamics behind intense emotional interactions ultimately unhelpful. A much valuable approach ask, will help?” This accomplishes something essential: dissolves illusion two separate, conflicting sides.By asking show interest working party solution. immediately releases any struggle inherent conflict. Trying discover solution together, opposing sides, allows everyone drop primal need “right” redirect energy imagining workable solution.Skill #3: Focus NeedsEverything people an (often tragic) attempt meet deep, universal need, simply data state For example, hungry, eat; tired, sleep. Beyond needs bodies lie spirit: connection, beauty, joy, peace. tuning needs, align strategies those (For list see https://bit.ly/3JUFagL.)When triggered, powerful de-escalation relinquish lens judgment replace “lens needs.” focus person trying — misguided strategy understanding.Thinking interaction had outspoken year teaching, now outburst deep mattering. She did think she mattered; perceive care. surprising how quickly situations become emotionally, verbally, physically violent they matter. health care, different. Understanding driven reframe needed wrong.Under circumstances, able choose want be: kind, engaged, compassionate, trauma-informed professionals. While control say, still nurture relational conditions likely empathy, compassion tragedy, disappointment, fear, loss.Dr. Erasmus clinical specializing resilience integrating principles nonviolence healing. insights, check website https://www.yvetteerasmus.com/ free, virtual Q&A call Wednesday mornings (https://bit.ly/3F953FT); welcome. set”? Lashing interactions. colleague. We depression. frustration. But dynamic? Often Skill experiencing. It sides. Everything https://bit.ly/3JUFagL.) understanding. Thinking wrong. Under loss. Dr.